It was 3:00am in the silent hospital. I was sitting in the corner, playing my GBA. But I wasn't really playing my GBA. Just then, the moment I'd been dreading for months came. The head doctor, my father, peeked his head into the hallway.
"Douglas?" he asked. "She's ready to see you."
I stuffed my GBA into my bag and entered the hospital room. There lay my mother, weak from the cancer. Her head was massive upon her emaciated frame. She looked like one of the gray aliens from 1950's science-fic.
"Dougy? she asked. "Is that you, ma baby boy?"
"Yes, momma." I asked. "Are you o.k.?"
She began to weep. My father put his face in his glove.
"No, baby." she said. "I'm not coming home, now or ever."
I felt hot explosions in my eyes. I put my head on my mother's lap. She bagan to sing the theme song from Doug, my childhood favorite show, because I shared the main character's name.
"Honey, she asked. "Can we play the game?"
"I'm too old for that momma."
"Please?"
I nodded. She took off my shoe, and grasped my toe firmly.
"This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home," she croaked through the old familiar verses.
A few minutes later, she was gone. My father put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. She's dead, Doug."
I slapped his arms away. "This is all your fault!" I screamed. "You weren't a good enough doctor to save her!"
He stepped back, deeply hurt.
"You killed mommy, daddy!"
...
It was another beautiful day at the Uchiha Heights Mall. I had finally landed a date with the most beautiful girl at school, Alexa Anderson.
She arrived at the mall, looking like a dream and greeted me with a hug.
"Hello, Doug." she laughed.
"Hey," I cheered. "What movie should we see tonight?"
"The Minions movie looks pretty cute," she posited.
"You look pretty cute," I said with a wink.
She laughed uproariously. I didn't really want to see the Minions, as I found them quite annoying. Entertainment Weakly gave the movie a "D" but maybe if I took Alexis to it, I could be the one getting the D later.
We got our tickets and our confessions, and we went into the theater. The previews were starting.
"Oh, good!" said Alexa. "We didn't miss the previews!"
The first preview started. But, instead of the usual "This preview has been approved for all audiences," the screen said "This preview is approved for NO ONE." I thought it was a joke, and gave it a good chuckle.
The previews rolled. A new superhero movie starring Adam Sandler, a new documentary about sharks, and a shitty CGI cartoon with Scarlet Johnson. Finally, the lights went down.
The theater's logo rolled onscreen. It was then followed by even more previews. But, instead of "This preview has been approved for NO ONE," this time it simply said "GET OUT."
"I thought the previews were over," whispered Alexa.
"Heh," I laughed. "Wishful thinking!"
Onsceen, a middle-aged woman stood in the middle of a shopping mall with a young boy orbiting around her ankles. It looked exactly like the mall we were currently at, but weirder. After a moment, she put out her foot and tripped the kid. As he hit the ground, his arm shattered like a paper tube full of glass. He began to whale uncontrollably as his mother laughed at him. Several pigs entered the scene and began to devour the helpless boy. His mom began to scream and tried to fight the pigs, but it was no use. This went on for several minutes. When it finally ended, the audience was stunned.
"Huh," said Alexa. "That movie looked pretty weird. Kind of a hipstery art film?"
The movie started. The Universal fanfare played, but it sounded... off. Slower than usual. Luckily, my fears were stifled when the minions came onscreen. Hate me all you want, but those little yellow bastards cracked my shit right up! Alexa loved them, too. We were having a grand time.
A man behind us was laughing, too. Maybe a little too much. His laughter grew and grew, as he grunted and groaned like a trapped pig.
"That dude has an annoying laugh" I told Alexa.
"He's just enjoying the movie," she said. "Maybe I would, too, if you could stop talking."
As the laughter and oinking became impossible to ignore, I turned around to see what the man's problem was. To my horror, he was indeed enjoying the movie. He had his hand in his lap, shaking it furiously underneath his coat. He wore a surgical mask over his mouth and nose.
"Oh my god!" I screeched.
"What now??" Alexa asked.
"We have to get out of this theater!"
"Why?"
I thought for a moment.
"I just remembered, my religious nut grandmother thinks the minions are satanic."
She stared at me for a moment, then laughed. "You're so funny!"
I looked back to the masturbating man's seat, only to find him gone. I breathed a sigh of relief.
A few hours later, we were back in the mall. We were walking by the Gisnep Store discussing our the movie.
"What was your favorite movie line?" I asked.
"The line to get into Jurassic World was pretty good," Alexa said, and suddenly face planted. Crack! Her nose exploded into a fountain of blood.
"Oh my god!" I screamed. "Are you okay?"
There was no response. Several people ran over to check on her.
"Is there a doctor in the house??" screamed a nearby manlet.
"I'm a doctor!" I heard a voice yell from offscreen. I turned my head, to see... the man from the theater. He was still wearing the surgeon's mask that he wore earlier.
"You!" I screamed.
"Hello, I am Dr. Hogge," he told me. "I can take care of your girlfriend."
He reached into his coat and pulled out a stethoscope. He placed it to her throat.
"Okay," he said. "She is still breathing."
I gave him my harshest death glare. "I saw you in the movie theater."
"Oh, yes." he said. "I had to leave because my glasses were too dirty. You may have seen me trying to clean them inside my coat."
I thought for a moment. Yeah, this sounded right. I felt bad for judging him so swiftly.
Two paramedics entered and loaded Alexa onto a stretcher.
"Please take care of her," I begged Dr. Hogge.
He took me by the hand. "Of course I will," he said as he made his exit. "I'm a great doctor."
A young boy was standing nearby, eating a giant roast beef sandwich. The stretcher bumped into him, sending the sammy clattering to the floor. No sooner did the treat hit the ground than two obese women began to fight over it.
Everyone in the mall stared awkwardly as the whale-sized ladies battled over the meaty sandwich.
Five hours later, I was sitting in the hospital, playing my 3DS. But I wasn't really playing my 3DS. A door opened, and Dr. Hogge crossed the room toward me.
"She's going to be fine," Hogge said. I breathed a sign of relief.
He looked around. "Well," he said. "Not entirely."
"What's wrong?" I asked frantically.
Hogge shook his head. "I'll let you see for yourself."
I dashed into Alexa's hospital room. She was hooked up to life support, but her condition was stable. I was so relieved. Just then, I noticed a ton of bandages on her feet. I was confused.
Hogge entered the room behind me. "We don't know what happened. When we took her out of the ambulance, all of her toes were gone. I'm sorry."
If I hadn't seen it, I never would of believed it.
Clink! Clink! I dropped my coinage into the hospital's soda machine. I pressed the button for Coke, but I got a Sprite instead. I punched the machine in agner.
I slammed my head against the front of the machine. Poor Alexa. Why did this have to happen to her??
On my way back to Alexa's room, I spotted Dr. Hogge using a forklift to drop an enormous bag of liquid into a hospital bed. But it wasn't a bag of liquid. It was... the obese woman from the mall. The larger one was being lowered into the bed as the smaller one sat by her bedside, weeping. Both looked as though they'd been brutalized horribly.
"Hey, I saw you at the mall today." I said. "What the hell happened to you?"
The smaller woman tried to answer. "We- She - We- A bwuuh-huuuh-huuhh. Mah sister!" she burst into tears.
Dr. Hogge put a sympathetic hand on her beanbag-chair-sized shoulder.
"I'm afraid their fight at the mall got rather ugly. The larger sister, Grunda, eventually won the sandwich. But the smaller sister, Grella, became enraged and punched her lights out." he said. "I'm afraid poor Grunda here may never fully recover."
Grella started to ball. I looked down awkwardly, and noticed that Grunda has the same bandages on her feet that Alexa did.
"What the hell happened to her feet?"
Grella sniffed again. "Well, when tehy brought her out da ambalaaaance, tehy found out she had da diabeetus. So, on account o' her bein' so biiiiggg," she whimpered, "tehy had to lop off her toooo-hooooo-hoooooes!!"
She broke down again. Hogge comforted her.
"Their, their." he said. "Grunda will be in a better place soon."
Grella looked confused. "I hope it ain't New York! Buncha gawddamn lib'rals!"
Just then, a whining squeal echoed through the room. The life support machine let off one long, solitary beep as Grunda flatlined.
Dr. Hooge shook his head. "Time of death, 7:36 pm." Grella burst into tears and fell to the floor in a heap of flab, jiggling slightly. "Oh nooo, mah sister! Ah killt mah sister!!"
"Please, Miss Grella," Dr. Hogge begged. "You can't blame yourself! Even though it was your porky fist that ended her life."
A sound rang out, like somebody was slowly letting the air out of a huge balloon. The room filled with an unimaginable stink. While Grella wept further, poor Grunda's death was robbed of any poignance as she emptied her bowels loudly in the hospital bed.
When I returned to Alexa's room, she was in better condition. She still hadn't awoken up, so I put the Sprite next to her table.
"This is for when you wake, princess." I said, tearfully. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Just then, the room went dark. I looked out the window. An eclipse? No! It was Grella, jumping from the roof of the 20-story hospital!
People on the ground were screaming as she plummeted to the earth like an asteroid. I averted my eyes as she hit the ground, but the sickening crunch will ring in my ears forever. When I looked back to the ground, organs and blood were splattered across a thirty-foot radius. She'd exploded like a balloon full of deli meats. Chunky, yellow fat covered the bystanders like Nickelodeon slime. Everyone was crying, and a woman even fainted. Cars swerved off the road, and two men slipped in the fat.
I heard rushed footsteps. Dr. Hogge ran by, and I followed him. As we ran to the elevator, he told me "I was on the roof! I tried to stop her, but she was despondent about her sister!"
He dashed into an elevator. I tried to follow him, but he stopped me. "Sorry, authorized personal only!" He vanished behind the metal doors, forcing me to take the stairs.
When I reached the bottom story, the receptionist was crying her eyes out. I exited the building, into the courtyard. The smell was unimaginable, like the vomit of a fecalpheliac. It looked even worse up close. People were still crying and dry heaving as they struggled to run from the mess.
As I walked to my car, I took a morbidly curious peek. It was a damn grizzly mess, especially her head, which resembled a crushed watermelon full of macaroni with a fat-woman mask hanging from it. But what fascinated me were her feet. One was lying in the parking lot. One was floating in the fountain. Both had all of their toes freshly cleaved off.
I dashed home, desperate not to cry in the middle of the street. I couldn't stop thinkingabout poor Alexa. Hot, white water started to fall from my eyes. I saw a flash of light on the way home. Lightning, or just a traffic camera?
I finally reached my home, 4242 MacManus Ave. I shoved the key into the lock hastily and turned it 180 degrees, activating the tumblrs and unlocking the mechanism. I swung the door open wide.
"Doug?" I heard from the kitchen. "Is that you, fam?"
My roommate, Toby, entered the room, holding a pan of pizza rolls. He was a muscular, black guy. His head was shaped like a lightbulb - appropriate, as he was the brightest man I'd ever known.
"My cousin, my cousin," he said, warmly hugging me. "I heard what happened to ya lady friend. You need anything, you holla at me. Cool?"
He scooped pizza rolls into my hands. I smiled.
"Thanks, Toby."
"Ayyyyyy."
A few minutes later, I was in my room, browsing Thumblr and YooTube. I was drumming my fingers on the desk sadly. I took a long drink from my Coke and then ate my last pizza roll. But I couldn't enjoy it... Not after what had happened to me today.
I'd also made myself a sandwich on the way to my room. I filled with ham, rice, and bacon. I chewed it happily as I watched Game Cranks, DewPieDie, and clips from Family Man. This had to be the most wonderful sammy of my life, aside from the odd awkward crunch.
Finally, the crunching became too hard to ignore as I bit into a large object that my teeth couldn't bite through. I spit out the offending item. To my horror, it was a human toe! I dropped the sandwich in shock, and dozens of toes spilled out. A scream shot from my lungs like a cannon.
I was in shock. As I sat, staring, I heard a small whisper from my closet. "Dougie?" it asked. "Can we play the game?"
A man dressed in filthy clothes (like homeless) burst through the closet doors! He had on a rancid brown overcoat, a dirty t-shirt with a football on it, and tattered jeans. His nose was huge and upturned, like a pig's nose. He squealed at me like a hog and dashed for me with a scalpel.
Just before he could reach me, I kicked his feet out from underneath him. He waved the scalpel at me, but I dodged. I bashed his head against the wall seven times, each time leaving more blood than the last. Finally, he grabbed a whisky bottle from my dresser and smashed it, then used it as a knife to pierce my calf. I screamed like a banshee and let him go.
He tore like hell toward my open window. I grabbed my sawed-off shotgun from the dresser and fired wildly, but he dashed out the window seconds before I could blast him. Blam! Blam! The shells ricocheted off the walls loudly.
"What the hell was that?!" I heard Toby scream downstairs.
Police sirens flashed outside the window. I heard an officer say "I heard gunshots! Kick down the door!"
Thump! Thump! Crack! They splintered my front door. I dashed down the stairs, just in time to see a group of officers swarm my living room. What the hell was happening?? Just then, things took an unthinkable turn.
The police drew their weapons, and emptied five rounds into Toby. He was blown from the living room to the kitchen, stone cold dead. His organs fell from a gaping wound in his chest cavity. His ribs were sticking out of his back, and his neck rotated 160 degrees.
"Nooooooooooo!!!" I screamed.
The cops looked to me. "There's the pig boy!" the chief hollered, pointing. There was no time to mourn the slaughter of my dear friend.
I took off running up the stairs. I dashed back into my bedroom and dove out the window. I landed on my neighbor's roof, and began to dash, leaping from rooftop to rooftop. A few policemen tried to follow me, but simply fell to their deaths from the window.
To make things worse, I looked over my shoulder and saw that the trenchcoat pig man was following me! After twenty minutes of Assassin's Creeding my way across town, I was confident in saying that I lost him.
I made my way back toward the hospital. A hazmat team was just finishing cleaning up Grella's thick yellow goo from the premises. The stench was still unbearable, but it probably wouldn't linger for more than a few days.
I strolled into the main entrance of the hospital, where the receptionist told me "Visiting hours are over." I told her "Please, it's an emergency." She nodded, and opened the door for me. I took the staires up to Alexa's room on the top floor.
But when I got to the top and opened the door, I blacked out! Someone bashed my head in with the back of a fire extinguisher!
When I awoke, I was strapped to an operating table in the surgery arena. A big, hulking show of a man was looming over my helpless body. He cocked his head, and released a sickening, wet oink.
I screamed, but he just laughed. "Noone can hear you now, Dougie."
Tears ran down my eyes like a flood. "Why are you doing this??" I begged. I pulled at my restraints, but they only tightened.
"I don't know," the pig man said, stepping into the light. "I guess I'm just a bad doctor." I recognized him suddenly as Dr. Hogge, but with his ever-present surgical mask removed! This was the ugliest dude I'd ever seen. Just then, I realized... I knew this pig man.
"Dad?"
Dr. Hogge began to sob, oinking with his giant pig nose. "I'm sorry I killed mommy! But I'm going to make things right!!"
The human-sized pig/man hybrid whipped the sheets off of me. To my horror, all of my toes were different colors! They had clearly been stitched on hastily with thick, black stitches. One was wearing teal nailpolish... Alexa's?! Another was brown, like Toby! What the hell was happening?!
He reached into his labcoat and pulled out a handful of toes... My toes! "Well," he said, "I guess you won't be needing these anymore!" He tossed the toes into his mouth and devoured them messily. I nearly puked. He chewed with his mouth open, blood drippling down his hairy chinny-chin-chin.
He crossed the room and grabbed "my" little toe... or rather, Alexa's. He put an image of the overhead projector showing Alexa at the mall earlier that day. He had taken it just as he shot a blowdart into her neck. "This little piggy went to market!"
He grabbed "my" next toe, Toby's. He showed a picture of Toby at home, taken shortly before his death. "This little piggy stayed home!"
He grabbed the next two toes, showing me an image of Grunda and Grella shortly after fighting over the roast beef. "This little piggy had roast beef! This little piggy had none!"
Finally, he grabbed my large toe. He showed me an image of myself, as I ran home from the hospital earlier that day. "And this little piggy went whee whee whee all the way home!!"
With that, took a butcher knife and began to cut at me. Huge, deep gashes appeared on my flesh as he hacked at me. Blood poured out like tomato soup. The pain shot through my body and hit my brain like cars slamming into the side of a building.
"Whhyyyyyy, daaadddddddyyyyy??!" I begged.
"Because I'm a bad doctor!" the hideous once-father oinked, laughing and crying hysterically. "I killed mommy, Dougie!"
Just then, a shot rang out and my pig daddy's head exploded. Brain and bone matter with blood flew all over my poor body. The police had followed me to the hospital. They had shot the pigfather in the head. "I huffed, and I puffed, and I blew your ass away!" the chief told my father's corpse.
The cops untied me and I dashed to Alexa's room, where I found my beloved just awakening. She yawned, and stretched. Upon realizing that she was in a hospital bed, she didn't know where se was.
"What happened?" she asked.
I hugged her tight. "Oh, you lived! Thank you, thank you!"
"Why am I in the hospital?"
"I'll explain everything. Let's get some food baby."
I took her to the front desk, where they checked her out. The sun was rising. It was purple and red, and so beautiful. We walked away from the hospital, happy to put this horrible adventure behind us.
As we sipped our delicious lattes, I explained to her what had happened.
"Oh my god," she said as I showed her my different toes. She looked sadly at her own toeless feet. "I'm going to save a fortune on pedicures."
We laughed together. It was wonderful. We looked into each other's eyes in the orange light, and finally, it looked like everything would be ok. But, as we left... I started to get a horrible feeling in my toes. The new ones. They were throbbing, pulsing.
I feel to the ground and whipped my shoes off. They were glowing. Alexa screamed. The pain shot into my head. It drove me mad, and filled we with OINK rage. I OINK OINK shoved Alexa to the OINK and without OINK OINK OINK
OINK OINK OINK OIIIINK SQUEEEEEEAAALLL!!! SNORT SNORT!!!